


Spawned in that Slime

by Brynhildr



Series: Dragon!Tony Verse [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: But it has nothing to do with dragons, Clint Barton & Tony Stark Friendship, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Natasha is over this shit, Poor Bruce, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prequel, Team as Family, dragon!Tony, goo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 03:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6547924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brynhildr/pseuds/Brynhildr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you fight furry goo slime blob monsters? You end up covered in slimy goo and no one wants to be around you... Except your friends who are also covered in slimy goo. </p><p>Aka the Prank Wars </p><p>Aka Why the Avengers Need a Babysitter</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spawned in that Slime

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is a prequel to Gold under Gravel, Gone to Earth. Someone asked about the prank war mentioned in the fic, so I ended up writing this. It can be read stand alone.
> 
> The title comes from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf in a section describing Grendel. I thought it was rather appropriate.

It all started with Clint.  
  
Well actually, it all started with the debrief after the end of a battle.  
  
No, it really all started with Clint.  
  
The Avengers, minus Thor, were standing in a loose circle in the closed off parking garage of the SHIELD NYC headquarters. Agent Hill was leading the debrief via video conference and Agent Willis was the unlucky one holding the laptop up for everyone to see.  
  
"And why did you engage the target instead of observing like you were ordered?" Hill asked with her teeth clenched.  
  
"The furry blob monster thing was getting too close to the civilians in the laundromat." Clint answered. "I was unaware that they would explode when punctured." He added with a wince.  
  
"Because if you had observed instead of shot them with arrows, we could have figured that out before they started replicating like a horror film of amoebas under the microscope!" Hill exclaimed. Bruce laughed, then groaned and spat out a purplish, slimy, clump of fur into a bucket at his feet.  
  
"I'm going to be sick," he moaned while Tony patted his friend on the back. He was wearing the lower half of his Iron Man suit, the upper part was sitting in pieces on the floor behind him. He was wearing a dress shirt covered in shiny purple slime and his hair was sticking up everywhere, like he had run his hands through it repeatedly.  
  
"Better out than in," Widow said to Bruce as he choked up another blob of slime.  
  
"Whose idea was it for the Hulk to eat them?" Hill demanded angrily.  
  
"Hulk!" Everyone replied immediately. Bruce just groaned and sat on the ground with his eyes closed.  
  
"Agent Hill, you have received all of our reports. I think we're done here," Steve said firmly behind his goo covered cowl. "I think we all need showers and then we're headed back to the tower." He left no room for argument. Hill nodded and the agent shut the laptop.  
  
"I'm going to go get some clothes," the agent said quickly and fled as Bruce groaned again.  
  
"He's green because he swallowed goo, not because he's about to hulk out!" Tony called after him. "Seriously, how can you stand being around these idiots most of the time?" He asked Natasha as she helped him heave Bruce onto his feet and drag him over to the decontamination showers. Steve was already stripping out of his uniform, wincing when it stuck to his skin with the drying goo.  
  
"I stick to the break room on floor nine when I'm not training. It's level five and above and no one tries to talk to me." Natasha lowered Bruce to the bench in the large shower and stripped his SHIELD issued sweat pants off before turning on the hot water.  
  
"I shoot the stupid ones with Nerf guns and spit balls from the vents until they run away from me in fear," Clint said as he tossed Bruce a bottle of shampoo and started scrubbing the purple out of his hair. "Ugh, this is going to take forever to get out."  
  
"Yeah, well be glad you don't have to figure out a way to get this stuff out of circuits and wiring," Tony gestured to his leg plates he was finally pulling off with screeching sounds and dumping in a pile on the floor. "Actually, I'm pretty sure there is no hope for this one and I'm going to have to melt it down." Tony kicked his shoes off and flopped on the bench next to Bruce fully clothed. Bruce opened one eye and huffed.  
  
"Pepper's going to be mad that you ruined another suit," Bruce mumbled.  
  
"Well the world just needs to stop needing to be saved in the middle of business meetings. Wait, what am I saying? Call any time there is a business meeting. I hate sitting through those."  
  
"Only you would think this stuff is better than sitting through a meeting," Clint laughed and threw a sponge at Tony who caught it and threw it back at the archer. Clint ducked at the last minute and it whacked Steve in the stomach. He caught it as it bounced off of his torso and beaned Clint in the back of the head. Soon the Avengers, save Bruce and Natasha, were in an all out wrestling match in the shower. Steve finally won when he sat on Clint and Tony lost it when the archer sang an ode to Steve's butt. After the three left the shower and went in search of their wayward agent when they realized they still had no clothes and only a few towels. Bruce and Natasha finished cleaning calmly and together headed over to the black van parked next to the shower. Natasha pulled on a black sports bra and some sweats that were tucked under the seat before pulling out a blanket and wrapping Bruce up. With a gentle nudge, she got the man to recline on the back seat and she sat down next to him to start cleaning her weapons.

  
"Sleep," she said. "I'll keep watch."  
  
When Steve returned to the car dragging Tony and Clint by their shirt collars, Natasha had cleaned all her weapons, dragged all their goo-covered uniforms and clothes into a plastic crate, and had somehow managed to fit Tony's armor in the van.  
  
"You ready? She asked as they piled in the front and middle seats," she slid into the back with Bruce as Clint got behind the wheel. "Don't wake him up," she said and she closed her eyes and leaned back for the ride. Tony and Steve climbed into the middle seat and buckled in as Clint revved the engine and they zoomed out of the garage.  
  
…............  
  
Three days after the Fur-blob incident, as they had decided to call it, Tony stepped out of the elevator onto the common room floor to head to the kitchen for his life sustaining coffee. He was wired from lack of sleep and trying to get the suit functional and really wanted a cup of coffee, a dozen cheeseburgers, and a long nap. His plan was delayed when he walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  
  
"Clint! Did you eat my cheeseburgers?" Tony yelled at the ceiling. A muffled thump and a few skittering sounds later and the archer was jumping down out of the vents.  
  
"You mean the ones that had been in there for six days? Yeah, I ate those two days ago."  
  
Tony groaned.  
  
"But I want cheeseburgers," he whined as he pouted at the empty fridge. "JARVIS, order the cheeseburgers, all the cheeseburgers." Tony closed the fridge door and hugged it. "Don't worry, fridge. I'll fill you with the cheeseburgers again." He said with a pat on the door handle.  
  
"Um, Tony? Are you OK?" Clint said as he slid a little closer to the inventor. "When was the last time you slept?"  
  
Tony muttered under his breath and glared at the archer.  
  
"Two days before we went out to fight the goo blobs," he growled.  
  
"Tony, you need to sleep! That was five days ago!" Clint exclaimed as he grabbed the other man's arm and dragged him over to the common room sofa. "Take a nap. The cheeseburgers will be here soon, so you can refuel, but you need sleep! How are you not dead? Are you working on the armor like this?"  
  
"I didn't blow up anything," Tony mumbled as he fell asleep. Clint draped a red and yellow crochet throw over the man's lap and sat down next to him.  
  
"JARVIS, can you send the burgers up when they get here?" Clint asked.  
  
"Yes, Agent Barton."  
  
"Great, I'm going to go talk to Steve."  
  
Clint left the room and traveled to Steve's floor where he knocked at the door and waited. A few moments later, Steve opened the door and gestured for Clint to enter.  
  
"Hey, Clint. What can I do for you?" Steve asked as he led the archer to his small  kitchen where he was making coffee.  
  
"Tony hasn't been sleeping," Clint said. "I just made him take a nap because he was talking to the refrigerator telling it he would give it more cheeseburgers."  
  
Steve winced.  
  
"Yeah, that's not so good. I'll bring up healthy sleeping habits at the next team meeting."  He handed Clint a cup of coffee. "How long do you think he'll be out?"  
  
Clint shrugged.  
  
"Not too long, JARVIS ordered cheeseburgers and he'll probably wake up when he smells them." Clint rubbed his forehead. "Steve, how long can you go without sleeping?"  
  
"Quite a while if I have enough food," the soldier replied. "I've never really tested it out, but there were times during the way..." He trailed off with a far off look in his eye. "Over a week at least," he said finally. "I might get a bit hyper vigilant by the end of that period, but I'd still be functioning."  
  
"Tony was five days on no sleep," Clint said finishing his coffee and putting the mug down on the counter. "Don't want the man to accidentally blow himself up because he can't see straight."  
  
Steve nodded.  
  
"Agent Barton, the food is heading up to the common room floor if you would like to have any," JARVIS said from the wall speakers. "Also, a steady sleep schedule would increase Sir's productivity 13.2 % during his walking hours. The bots and I would be happy to assist."  
  
Clint smirked at Steve.  
  
"Let's go feed the man cheeseburgers and send him off to bed. Then we'll plan."  
  
...  
  
Tony woke up in his bed. He blinked at the ceiling.  
  
"JARVIS, what day is it?" Tony grumbled as his eyes adjusted to the slowly brightening light.  
  
"You have been asleep for 19 hours, Sir. Agent Barton left the rest of the cheeseburgers in the refrigerators on the common floor, in the gym, in the penthouse, and in your lab. He also asks that you bathe before you venture out among the living."  
  
Tony leaned over and smelled himself.  
  
"Ugh, I do smell pretty bad." He rolled over and flopped out of bed so he could shuffle to the bathroom with a yawn. He grabbed a t shirt and jeans on his way to the shower and proceded to wash with his eyes mostly closed.  
  
He walked out onto the common room floor with a yawn and slightly damp hair.  
  
"Morning," he grumbled to Natasha and Bruce who were sitting at the counter eating a fruit salad with granola and yogurt. Tony blindly reached for the pot of coffee and shuffled back to the table.  
  
"Hey, Tony," Bruce greeted. "It's actually lunch time." He got up and opened the fridge, rustling around a bit before coming back to the counter and putting a few Burger King wrapped burgers in front of Tony. "There you go." The inventor blinked at them and then at Bruce.  
  
"What?" He asked, rather confused.  
  
Bruce just smiled and nodded at Tony's chest. Tony stared at the shirt he was wearing for a minute before his brain caught up with what he was reading.  
  
"I can haz cheezburgerz?" He read upside down. "Barton!" He yelled up at the ceiling. "Did you get JARVIS to dress me in a MEME shirt!?! You dare turn my children against me!" He stood and slapped his hand on the table. "This is war!" Then he looked at the burgers. "After I eat my burgers!" He sat back down while laughter came floating out of the vent. Natasha smiled.  
  
"It's his way of showing he cares," she grabbed one of his burgers and took a bite out of it while Tony glared daggers at her. "He got me a T-shirt last year for my birthday that said "the Viking of disapproval stares in your direction". I wear it to scare the rookies when they make stupid mistakes." She stood and left with her half eaten burger.  
  
Tony and Bruce stared after her for a while before Bruce said, "I never know if she is joking or not," before he washed his dishes and left Tony to his burgers.  
  
...  
  
Pepper walked into the common room that evening to see Clint asleep on the sofa with a stuffed hawk plush toy the size of Thor looming over the back of the chair. She abruptly turned around and went to the penthouse where there was a giant beanbag in the shape of a cheeseburger and a Burger King statue.  
  
"Tony?" She called out as she nudged the bean bag. She heard a grunt from the bedroom where Tony was apparently coding the elevators to play bird noises whenever Clint was in them.  
  
"Tony," she admonished while she sat on the bed next to her boyfriend.  
  
"Pepper," he whined. He turned his best puppy dog eyes in her direction and pouted. "He started it!" He exclaimed when she just frowned at him.  
  
"Let's go to bed and we'll talk about this in the morning."

 

"Pepper!"

 

"No."

 

"... OK."  
  
...  
  
Clint walked into the kitchen covered in bird feathers, picked up a jar of mayonnaise, a corkscrew, a turkey baster, and a serrated kitchen knife, then left the room.  
  
Steve looked over at Bruce.  
  
"This isn't going to end well."  
  
...  
  
Tony stomped into the gym in his Iron Man suit with a car engine on a dolly, walked over to the locked weapons cabinet, and heaved the hunk of metal onto the lid. He stomped out while Natasha and Steve paused their sparring session to read the note taped on it.  
  
"Mayo in my engine means you don't get inventions."  
  
Steve and Natasha shared a look.  
  
"We need to stop this somehow," she said with a frown.  
...  
  
"Tony? It's almost midnight, you need to go to bed..." Steve trailed off when he was whacked in the chest with a whipped cream pie. He looked down at it as it slid down his body to the floor.  
  
"Oops," Clint said with sheepish smile. "I thought you were Tony." Clint was standing with one of the bots who was waving at Steve with a claw. "That's OK, Dum-e. We'll get Tony next time." Steve just watched as Clint left through an air vent and the robot came over to clean up the mess on the floor. He swiped a finger through the whipped cream and tasted it with a grimace.  
  
"Ugh, he didn't even use good whipped cream... Is this fat free?" Steve grumbled as he left the room looking for Tony.

....

  
After two weeks of bird noises, glitter bombs, Nerf wars, exploding mail, invisible ink, purple dyed hair, and a well placed whoopee cushion, Tony and Clint were standing in front of a very angry Director Fury.  
  
"Agent Chang quit," the man said after staring at the purple headed archer and the glitter dusted inventor, both covered in goo. Goo that was getting all over his clean office chairs.  
  
"She was nowhere near ready to handle the Avengers," Clint said with a huff. "She'll do better here on base."  
  
"No, Barton. She quit. She no longer works for SHIELD. She left us for the CIA. You two are driving away all my agents. And now, today, Agent Berkowitz just had a meltdown because you caused the self replicating furry slime balls to explode in a lab full of agents and scientists. Care to explain yourselves?"

  
Tony pointed at Clint.  
  
"It was Legolas!"  
  
"What! No, you said they wouldn't be stupid enough to keep one of them in the science lab without it being in a quarantined space so it had to be something different. It's totally on you!"  
  
"I didn't poke it with a knife!" Tony said, flapping his arms around. "And apparently they _were_ stupid enough!"  
  
Fury buried his head in his hands as he listened to the two men in front of him bicker like children.  
  
"Sir," Agent Hill said from the doorway. She was completely covered in purple slime and Steve was standing next to her with his blue button down plastered to his skin by goo. "The situation is under control. Bruce is in medical throwing up purple goo and Natasha is handling clean up."  
  
Fury nodded.  
  
"Get out of my building before you can do any more damage." Tony and Clint followed Steve out of the room, bickering like children the whole way down the purple goo coated hall.  
  
"How are we going to get them to stop?" Hill asked. "They don't need a liaison, they need a baby sitter!" She stomped out of the room. Fury watched the woman leave, then picked up his phone and dialed.  
  
"Coulson, I have a job for you."  
  
...  
  
Tony walked out of the elevator the next morning picking pieces of glitter off his skin.  
  
"This stuff never goes away," he said with a frustrated huff. He stopped abruptly when he ran into Clint who was staring at Natasha with a frightened look on his face. Tony looked at her. Looked at the knife she was sharpening. Looked down at her T-shirt. Blinked. Turned around a left the room.  
  
"Run, Katniss! The disapproval will kill you!"

Natasha just smiled as the archer fled.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
